“They” say that people compete on FB. They only post things that make them look good and feel pressure to look just as good. I guess I find that funny because humanity in general wants to be seen in a positive light to most people. Very few of us share our darkness with just anyone, and there is a reason for that. I try to post positive things because there is always so much good that I don’t celebrate in life. There are days that suck, but even then, there is usually a silver lining in retrospect.
Today was a good, but tiring day. The kids I taught at church were well behaved, I had a great lunch and conversation with a friend and I am sore as anything playing basketball. I scored points in both games I played! My heels, elbows, knees are bruised and my back is in tremendous pain. I love it!
My family is a little bit weird. For the first several years of my daughter’s life, we rarely spend more than a night apart. These past few months have been intense as I am busy four nights a weeks and have had several appointments on Saturdays. So 2016 has had us spend more evenings apart as a family than any other period in our life together so far. This coming week I will only have Tuesday evening to spend with them both.
Because of this, we spent the whole day yesterday together going mall walking. You have to understand, I hate going to malls. But it is a way for me to see how out of step I am with culture. We went to 4 malls and explored the ins and outs.
Tonight, when I was about to leave to play basketball, she hugged me long. It crushes me to leave her. She threatens to never let me go. My heart breaks. My daughter is a super sensitive person. In this particular way, she is just like me when I was growing up. I had the thinnest skin around. I would cry because of about anything.
The last time I remember doing it publicly was after a junior varsity football game. My mouth had been pretty foul when I was on the field and we got penalties for it. The next day, I apologized to my teammates and all of a sudden, a floodgate of tears run through my eyes and I am a slobbery, sobbing mess. My coaches and teammates felt very awkward. That was the last time I allowed myself to cry in front of my schoolmates. There are a few other instances that I cried in front of my church after that, but that was the day I started shutting my emotions down.
My daughter has developed this same condition, but it goes even beyond me. Her empathy for others is astounding. She literally feels their pain. Until yesterday, I never connected the dots. I thought she just needed to develop thicker skin like I supposedly had done. But my thick skin has only led to more heartache that gets pent up so deep inside me that I am passive depressive. I don’t want that for my beautiful girl.
I told her that something on the ride home and she was surprised. I told her that “Most people are not going to understand why you cry. They will make fun of you and call you names. But there will be a day that others will come to you because they know you will care. They will trust you. It might not happen until you are college age or older but it will happen.”
Maybe this seems trivial to you. But this is the behind the scenes of my “perfect” life. Of course I am going to post pictures of me that I feel good about. It is my Facebook page! I don’t want to post something I don’t like! Good things are happening in my life. As I seek to accomplish these tasks in front of me, the reality is that my daughter loves me and never wants to let me go….
….Excuse me as I go cry.